"Damit Penny, can't you do anything right?"
Penny sat on the very edge of the sofa she never wanted to buy and trembled as her husband shouted at her. He'd been shouting for the last 10 minutes. Her throat was constricted with the words she swallowed, over and over.
"Yeah, that's just like you, can't even defend yourself, you're so useless!"
Her hands flew to her throat and she massaged the cords in her neck. Her shaky fingers stroked the cords, down the shoulder, to the collarbone in an effort to ease the tension. The act of lifting her arms to do this, without flailing out, seemed almost impossible. What she wanted to do was punch him squarely in the mouth, hard. Maybe several times. She knew she'd have the advantage of surprise.
"You make me sick, sitting there stroking yourself!" "How is that going to help me, ME?" He moved in closer each time he said 'me', standing over her, pushing his knees against hers.
Penny instantly put her hands down and smoothed her jeans. Her legs were knotted, poised to jump up off the couch if needed. She had strong legs. She could run fast, she was all-star track in high school and she played a mean kick ball with the neighborhood kids.
"I feel your legs trembling you 'fraidy cat." He smiled, then kicked her in the shin. "Stop shaking!"
Penny bit her lip to avoid crying out. He'd kicked her before. Her legs didn't stop shaking. She coiled them closer to the sofa but didn't relax the muscles. She pictured herself springing from the ugly couch and kicking him right in the nuts, then as he doubled over in pain, bringing her knee up into his chest. She might wrap her hand in his hair and slam his face into her knee too.
"Did you say something bitch?" He leaned down, putting his forehead against hers, spraying her with spittle as he yelled even louder "DID YOU?!?"
Penny sat rigid, her back straight, her eyes focused inward. She knew to answer, to say anything, even no, would make him lose control. She thought how easy it would be to rear her head back and slam it into his. As he'd be stunned she could then take her strong legs and push against his chest with all her might and cause him to fly across the room, hitting the glass coffee table on his way down to the floor.
"God you're so pathetic!" "I can't imagine why I married such a weakling!"
She envisioned him lying there, surprised and hurting. She knew she'd jump up without a second's hesitation and lunge on him. She'd stop her fingers from shaking by gouging him in his surprised eyes. She'd kick him over and over as if she meant every thrust to send the kick ball far into the outfield.
"God, I can barely stand the sight of you!" "You gutless wonder!"
She imaged him trying to defend himself, but she knew her anger would fuel a strength almost impossible to stop. She'd be like the Hulk and she wouldn't care. She'd use his hair as the fulcrum to pound his head into the shattered glass. She would stand up and drop her full weight onto her knees, landing in his groin, stomach and chest. She was breathing hard, gasping in air, imagining the effort it would take and the satisfaction it would give her to dole out the punishment she usually got.
"You're a nothing, Penny, N O T H I N G, nothing!" "Don't start crying or I'll have to give you something to cry about!"
If he wouldn't shut up then, she'd kick him straight in the head, then jump on him like he was the exercise trampoline he bought her for her birthday. The energy it took to control her poised-for-violence muscles was making her tired. The adrenaline pumping through her veins as she imagined shutting him up made her tremble even more.
"Penny the Jello, Penny, you're just sickening, sitting on the couch trembling in fear!" "I can't even stand to be in the same room with you!"
And he leaves, this time without hitting her, still believing she trembled in fear.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Oblivion, Population +1
A short, unfinished story inspired by a friend's remark. Please know though this isn't a blog about YOU my friend - that will come later.
Dear Friend,
I'm sitting here in Oblivion, waiting for you to show up. You're a day late and I imagine there is a reason for that. You probably had to stop and call a past girlfriend's father and wish him health. Maybe you spent extra time listening to a friend's story, the same one they told you yesterday. That's you, putting other people first, making me wait here for you.
There are many different people here in Oblivion. That seems kind of oxymoronic don't you think? I assumed everyone in this town would be the same; kind of spectral-like, nothings, bland. People you wouldn't miss because they were people you didn't notice in the first place.
Oblivion, as a town goes, seems pretty average, maybe a little boring. Oh, there's the grocery store, movie theater, gas station, car dealer, beauty salon, a bar or two, some places of worship; just your typical all-American little town. Don't get me wrong here, people in Oblivion don't lack for any of the amenities of the big city, there are just fewer of them.
Oblivionions get up every day and go to their jobs, swiping groceries to the beep, beep, beep of the electronic check-out, pushing the movie ticket out the glassed in window, ringing up your gas. Texting each other about the slow stop light at 10th and Main, and how they are going to be late to the jello pot luck because of it. Giving you a half wave, by rote saying "have a nice day" each and every time they pass you, even if it's five times a day.
Telling you to have a 'nice day' is just silly. All the days are nice in Oblivion. The weather hovers around 70 degrees, an imperceptible breeze blows just a tiny bit and it only rains enough to keep the grass greener on the other side. Even the 1 day winter season is mild in comparison to other cities.
Some people came to Oblivion by choice. Others were forced here in some dramatic relocation to avoid the fame and notoriety they gained in other cities. The majority though, sort of sunk into Oblivion, cushioned by the dreams they gave up to reside here.
While I sat in the station awaiting your arrival, I watched people who came from California, Indiana, Florida and New York. Each one stepped down and looked wide eyed, then disappointed at the city of Oblivion. Every one of them said the same thing "It's just like Crescent City (like Greensburg), (like Wauchula), (like Malone) - I could have stayed home!"
Some of them just sat in the station, stunned. I approached a few and asked them what they had expected Oblivion to be like. The California mom said she thought it would be darker. The Indiana engineer said he thought it would be more comforting, that it would have made him feel safe. I had to laugh when the Florida teen said she thought it would be "chillaxin', like no pressure man, sort of like floating in the ocean." She was very surprised that Oblivion would require her to finish school and get a job.
The station master asked everyone to check their dreams and, if formerly famous, any little statuettes with the Oblivion's good will ambassador. I had your dream in my purse, and tried to give it to the GWA but she wouldn't take it from me. "Dreams can only be checked by the dreamer," she said. "We do sometimes take the little statuettes from agents because the formerly famous are in denial about being here," then she winked at me. Did she think I was moving to Oblivion? Didn't she know I was just there waiting for you?
Dear Friend,
I'm sitting here in Oblivion, waiting for you to show up. You're a day late and I imagine there is a reason for that. You probably had to stop and call a past girlfriend's father and wish him health. Maybe you spent extra time listening to a friend's story, the same one they told you yesterday. That's you, putting other people first, making me wait here for you.
There are many different people here in Oblivion. That seems kind of oxymoronic don't you think? I assumed everyone in this town would be the same; kind of spectral-like, nothings, bland. People you wouldn't miss because they were people you didn't notice in the first place.
Oblivion, as a town goes, seems pretty average, maybe a little boring. Oh, there's the grocery store, movie theater, gas station, car dealer, beauty salon, a bar or two, some places of worship; just your typical all-American little town. Don't get me wrong here, people in Oblivion don't lack for any of the amenities of the big city, there are just fewer of them.
Oblivionions get up every day and go to their jobs, swiping groceries to the beep, beep, beep of the electronic check-out, pushing the movie ticket out the glassed in window, ringing up your gas. Texting each other about the slow stop light at 10th and Main, and how they are going to be late to the jello pot luck because of it. Giving you a half wave, by rote saying "have a nice day" each and every time they pass you, even if it's five times a day.
Telling you to have a 'nice day' is just silly. All the days are nice in Oblivion. The weather hovers around 70 degrees, an imperceptible breeze blows just a tiny bit and it only rains enough to keep the grass greener on the other side. Even the 1 day winter season is mild in comparison to other cities.
Some people came to Oblivion by choice. Others were forced here in some dramatic relocation to avoid the fame and notoriety they gained in other cities. The majority though, sort of sunk into Oblivion, cushioned by the dreams they gave up to reside here.
While I sat in the station awaiting your arrival, I watched people who came from California, Indiana, Florida and New York. Each one stepped down and looked wide eyed, then disappointed at the city of Oblivion. Every one of them said the same thing "It's just like Crescent City (like Greensburg), (like Wauchula), (like Malone) - I could have stayed home!"
Some of them just sat in the station, stunned. I approached a few and asked them what they had expected Oblivion to be like. The California mom said she thought it would be darker. The Indiana engineer said he thought it would be more comforting, that it would have made him feel safe. I had to laugh when the Florida teen said she thought it would be "chillaxin', like no pressure man, sort of like floating in the ocean." She was very surprised that Oblivion would require her to finish school and get a job.
The station master asked everyone to check their dreams and, if formerly famous, any little statuettes with the Oblivion's good will ambassador. I had your dream in my purse, and tried to give it to the GWA but she wouldn't take it from me. "Dreams can only be checked by the dreamer," she said. "We do sometimes take the little statuettes from agents because the formerly famous are in denial about being here," then she winked at me. Did she think I was moving to Oblivion? Didn't she know I was just there waiting for you?
Sometimes, Typing 100 wpm is Just Not Enough
My mind is traveling at 150 mph today.
That's probably dangerous given the small amount of space my brain occupies. Some of the thoughts ricocheting through my mind, in the order in which I can capture them and write them down:
1) Don't take an at home vacation day when they are installing the new, state-of-the-art firefighter command center on your floor. Right outside your door. With high-pitched drills and big, air-powered hammers and hacksaws cutting into steel pipes that shriek with the effort. And loud-voiced men who swear at each other over radios. Ever.
2) I made a promise to myself this weekend; write more, blog more and complete the four (it's ONLY four) classes I need to teach composition at the college/university level.
3) I miss touching and being touched. Working in education, you become wary of expressing yourself via touch - god knows I don't want a law suit. And in my 20 years in this business I've seen it happen - twice. But hugs are important. So are kisses. Hugs are easier to get & give. I am thankful for the people in my life who give hugs freely - expect them even and send me notes that I owe them a hug. And then follow up to get one. You know who you are - thank you!
We caution our children on 'bad touches' but we don't tell them about good touches. When did it become so wrong to squeeze a shoulder in sympathy? To hold someone and let them cry because that is all you can do? To grab your friend's hand in happiness or sadness or 'just because'? To brush a strand of hair off of a frustrated friend's face? I think I've hesitated so often in reaching out in this way that it is no longer natural for me to touch people, in any way. As a person who believes in PDA, this makes me sad. And a bit scared.
4) This apartment is a total mess. There is no empty surface. I need empty surfaces. My minimalist, perfectionist self is in the fetal position crying "no more piles, no more piles". My lazy self is contemplating pushing all this stuff into the one empty closet and telling the perfectionist self 'see, no more piles! stop whining!'
5) How do you start a relationship? Or end one? Or change the path of one?
6) I've always been a little mistrustful. Somehow, in the last year or so, I've become so cynical and jaded that I question even my own best intentions. I've not practiced a random act of kindness in a few months. This is not healthy for me as those random acts of kindness were like vitamin pills to my psyche and soul. It energized me to know I put change in the parking meter, or paid for the next person in line's coffee. Or saw someone paying their $5.56 purchase with change and saying "I've got that." Doing those things gave me peace and made me feel human. Now I ask if I am being selfish in performing these acts. After all, I do get satisfaction in doing good without getting involved. I'm not preventing homelessness or providing for the truly needy. Involvement would mean trusting; trusting that others passed along the random act, trusting myself and my motives, trusting that the little I did made a difference. Only six months ago I was paying forward. I hope Karma doesn't send me a bill.
7) I have to go dancing more. When I first moved to Chicago I went dancing at least two times per month. It was in retaliation for all the things I thought I missed - kind of an "I'll show you" activity. Pretty harmless rebellion, thank god. For various reasons, I stopped going so frequently and now I go about two times a year, and that really is not enough. I'm going to go dancing more often.
8) In the movie "Bringing Out the Dead" one of the drug dens sells "vacations." A drug that puts people in a coma-like state for a few days. The ultimate rest, body and mind, sans death. You don't have to think about anything. Life goes on around you, problems that others counted on you to solve, were solved. Tasks that had your name next to them were completed by others. It doesn't show if these "vacationing" people had dreams, or if they were cognizant of the world continuing without them. I think this could be very useful for us in prioritizing our lives. The trick would be for everyone to believe you weren't coming back (and of course, in the movie that was the case for a good many of the people!), or else they'd just say "Tammy is out for a few days, but when she returns she will solve this."
9) Boomsday is a book that examines, in a farcical way, the impact baby boomers have had on the US economy. And it proposes that they kill themselves at 62 to save it. When SS was implemented, one person paid in for one person retiring. Now one person pays in for three people retiring, so there are more baby boomers retiring than people in the work force to support them. And those paying are getting a little tired of paying so much without the guarantee that they will receive SS benefits when they retire. Offing yourself at 62, in this book, doesn't sound so bad really. Your children will be given tax breaks on their inheritance. You get to choose how you die and no doubt it would be a big event. Planned for like your first Communion, quinceanera and wedding all rolled into one. It would open up a whole new business sector. And it's not as absurd as it sounds when you really think about it.
10) Hershey kisses is expanding their menu. Recently I tried some candy corn kisses and some pumpkin spice kisses. The candy corn kisses are a little too sweet, but I really liked the pumpkin spice kisses. It was like a little pumpkin spice latte melting in my mouth.
11) Last spring a student, a young colleague and I debated the merits of inventing hover shoes. I've been thinking about this a lot as winter approaches. There are some obvious benefits to hover shoes, especially in winter - no fear of slipping on ice, no worrying about whether the sidewalks have been cleared, you'd move faster, so be less exposed to the elements. We thought they'd be great for people with mobility issues and would cost less than overhauling a building to be accessible. Even in the spring we were aware of the cons - you have to have a safe stopping mechanism, we'd probably have to license people to wear/operate them and of course they'd be cumbersome and ugly as heck. Still, I'd like a pair please.
These are only some of the things pinging around the old noodle today. I wish I had the time and energy to write all of them down, and to do so without boring you all to death. I do intend to write more and blog more, so possibly I can put my thoughts down in a way that is entertaining, or thought provoking. Or maybe just to document that I have thoughts other than those associated with my work, which is hard for some to believe. And I do know that putting all my thoughts down is very helpful for me as a writer - you might be surprised to learn what totally random, mundane thought lead to a pretty good story! I want to be more spontaneous and actively engaged in my life, so I think returning to writing will help me. Now I just have to work on that discipline thing and not be so easily distracted. Ohhh, look at that shiny thing over there...
That's probably dangerous given the small amount of space my brain occupies. Some of the thoughts ricocheting through my mind, in the order in which I can capture them and write them down:
1) Don't take an at home vacation day when they are installing the new, state-of-the-art firefighter command center on your floor. Right outside your door. With high-pitched drills and big, air-powered hammers and hacksaws cutting into steel pipes that shriek with the effort. And loud-voiced men who swear at each other over radios. Ever.
2) I made a promise to myself this weekend; write more, blog more and complete the four (it's ONLY four) classes I need to teach composition at the college/university level.
3) I miss touching and being touched. Working in education, you become wary of expressing yourself via touch - god knows I don't want a law suit. And in my 20 years in this business I've seen it happen - twice. But hugs are important. So are kisses. Hugs are easier to get & give. I am thankful for the people in my life who give hugs freely - expect them even and send me notes that I owe them a hug. And then follow up to get one. You know who you are - thank you!
We caution our children on 'bad touches' but we don't tell them about good touches. When did it become so wrong to squeeze a shoulder in sympathy? To hold someone and let them cry because that is all you can do? To grab your friend's hand in happiness or sadness or 'just because'? To brush a strand of hair off of a frustrated friend's face? I think I've hesitated so often in reaching out in this way that it is no longer natural for me to touch people, in any way. As a person who believes in PDA, this makes me sad. And a bit scared.
4) This apartment is a total mess. There is no empty surface. I need empty surfaces. My minimalist, perfectionist self is in the fetal position crying "no more piles, no more piles". My lazy self is contemplating pushing all this stuff into the one empty closet and telling the perfectionist self 'see, no more piles! stop whining!'
5) How do you start a relationship? Or end one? Or change the path of one?
6) I've always been a little mistrustful. Somehow, in the last year or so, I've become so cynical and jaded that I question even my own best intentions. I've not practiced a random act of kindness in a few months. This is not healthy for me as those random acts of kindness were like vitamin pills to my psyche and soul. It energized me to know I put change in the parking meter, or paid for the next person in line's coffee. Or saw someone paying their $5.56 purchase with change and saying "I've got that." Doing those things gave me peace and made me feel human. Now I ask if I am being selfish in performing these acts. After all, I do get satisfaction in doing good without getting involved. I'm not preventing homelessness or providing for the truly needy. Involvement would mean trusting; trusting that others passed along the random act, trusting myself and my motives, trusting that the little I did made a difference. Only six months ago I was paying forward. I hope Karma doesn't send me a bill.
7) I have to go dancing more. When I first moved to Chicago I went dancing at least two times per month. It was in retaliation for all the things I thought I missed - kind of an "I'll show you" activity. Pretty harmless rebellion, thank god. For various reasons, I stopped going so frequently and now I go about two times a year, and that really is not enough. I'm going to go dancing more often.
8) In the movie "Bringing Out the Dead" one of the drug dens sells "vacations." A drug that puts people in a coma-like state for a few days. The ultimate rest, body and mind, sans death. You don't have to think about anything. Life goes on around you, problems that others counted on you to solve, were solved. Tasks that had your name next to them were completed by others. It doesn't show if these "vacationing" people had dreams, or if they were cognizant of the world continuing without them. I think this could be very useful for us in prioritizing our lives. The trick would be for everyone to believe you weren't coming back (and of course, in the movie that was the case for a good many of the people!), or else they'd just say "Tammy is out for a few days, but when she returns she will solve this."
9) Boomsday is a book that examines, in a farcical way, the impact baby boomers have had on the US economy. And it proposes that they kill themselves at 62 to save it. When SS was implemented, one person paid in for one person retiring. Now one person pays in for three people retiring, so there are more baby boomers retiring than people in the work force to support them. And those paying are getting a little tired of paying so much without the guarantee that they will receive SS benefits when they retire. Offing yourself at 62, in this book, doesn't sound so bad really. Your children will be given tax breaks on their inheritance. You get to choose how you die and no doubt it would be a big event. Planned for like your first Communion, quinceanera and wedding all rolled into one. It would open up a whole new business sector. And it's not as absurd as it sounds when you really think about it.
10) Hershey kisses is expanding their menu. Recently I tried some candy corn kisses and some pumpkin spice kisses. The candy corn kisses are a little too sweet, but I really liked the pumpkin spice kisses. It was like a little pumpkin spice latte melting in my mouth.
11) Last spring a student, a young colleague and I debated the merits of inventing hover shoes. I've been thinking about this a lot as winter approaches. There are some obvious benefits to hover shoes, especially in winter - no fear of slipping on ice, no worrying about whether the sidewalks have been cleared, you'd move faster, so be less exposed to the elements. We thought they'd be great for people with mobility issues and would cost less than overhauling a building to be accessible. Even in the spring we were aware of the cons - you have to have a safe stopping mechanism, we'd probably have to license people to wear/operate them and of course they'd be cumbersome and ugly as heck. Still, I'd like a pair please.
These are only some of the things pinging around the old noodle today. I wish I had the time and energy to write all of them down, and to do so without boring you all to death. I do intend to write more and blog more, so possibly I can put my thoughts down in a way that is entertaining, or thought provoking. Or maybe just to document that I have thoughts other than those associated with my work, which is hard for some to believe. And I do know that putting all my thoughts down is very helpful for me as a writer - you might be surprised to learn what totally random, mundane thought lead to a pretty good story! I want to be more spontaneous and actively engaged in my life, so I think returning to writing will help me. Now I just have to work on that discipline thing and not be so easily distracted. Ohhh, look at that shiny thing over there...
If Time Flies, Does Sleep Spider?
I am 50 years old!
I truly love being able to say that. Partly because I am vain and ingloriously self-aware enough to know I don't look 50...whatever 50 is supposed to look like. In general I don't feel 50 (again, whatever 50 is supposed to feel like) and I've been told I don't act 50 years old. I take that as a compliment regardless of how it was meant! I move more slowly, but that is probably due to my weight and not my age.
I am looking forward to asking for my senior discount. And now I can say, sorry I don't have time for that, and not feel bad. I'm 50 and I have to prioritize the time I have left.
Fall is always an introspective time for me - I've always taken my birthday month(October) as a time to reflect on my life. Because it was a momentous birthday, I became even more aware of the time that has passed. It seems to be speeding up. Fifty years has, literally, flown by.
Some of the things I take for granted today haven't been around all that long; cell phones, the internet, email, home computers. These are the every day tools of my life. They make it possible for me to work too damn much yet give me great joy by keeping me connected to family and friends.
I remember when a microwave was a big expense and not everyone could afford one - same with a VHS player or video recorder. These items were not only expensive they were huge! A microwave took up half your counter, so most people purchased a microwave stand. The VHS player took up the entire top of your TV, which was okay, because those 19-inch-screened TV's were encased in little houses that sat in your family room - lots of table-top room on their roofs for doilies, pictures and the VHS player. The camcorder weighed about 25 lbs and looked like something the local news crew would use for a 'man on the street' interview. The first computer I used at work had a black screen and a neon green cursor. I think the language was COBAL. I couldn't send email, but I could enter data that allowed me to print out and send your dental claim to the insurance carrier via the US postal service.
Now your phone, the size of a deck of cards (but weighing less) can do everything but microwave your food....and that's probably coming as soon as they figure out how to ensure you don't accidentally microwave your neighbor as well.
A thought on that last paragraph: Using a deck of cards for comparison probably isn't relevant, since everyone plays solitaire on their phones.
I think all the technology we use has sped up time. That's why 'they' say that 50 is the new 40 and we all look pretty good 'for our age.' It's probably why summer is now only 5 weeks long (at least in Chicago) and the work week requires you to accomplish 80 hours of tasks while being paid for 35 hours of 'work.' Someone should really look into this, but I can't because I am 50 years old and have other things to do.
I truly love being able to say that. Partly because I am vain and ingloriously self-aware enough to know I don't look 50...whatever 50 is supposed to look like. In general I don't feel 50 (again, whatever 50 is supposed to feel like) and I've been told I don't act 50 years old. I take that as a compliment regardless of how it was meant! I move more slowly, but that is probably due to my weight and not my age.
I am looking forward to asking for my senior discount. And now I can say, sorry I don't have time for that, and not feel bad. I'm 50 and I have to prioritize the time I have left.
Fall is always an introspective time for me - I've always taken my birthday month(October) as a time to reflect on my life. Because it was a momentous birthday, I became even more aware of the time that has passed. It seems to be speeding up. Fifty years has, literally, flown by.
Some of the things I take for granted today haven't been around all that long; cell phones, the internet, email, home computers. These are the every day tools of my life. They make it possible for me to work too damn much yet give me great joy by keeping me connected to family and friends.
I remember when a microwave was a big expense and not everyone could afford one - same with a VHS player or video recorder. These items were not only expensive they were huge! A microwave took up half your counter, so most people purchased a microwave stand. The VHS player took up the entire top of your TV, which was okay, because those 19-inch-screened TV's were encased in little houses that sat in your family room - lots of table-top room on their roofs for doilies, pictures and the VHS player. The camcorder weighed about 25 lbs and looked like something the local news crew would use for a 'man on the street' interview. The first computer I used at work had a black screen and a neon green cursor. I think the language was COBAL. I couldn't send email, but I could enter data that allowed me to print out and send your dental claim to the insurance carrier via the US postal service.
Now your phone, the size of a deck of cards (but weighing less) can do everything but microwave your food....and that's probably coming as soon as they figure out how to ensure you don't accidentally microwave your neighbor as well.
A thought on that last paragraph: Using a deck of cards for comparison probably isn't relevant, since everyone plays solitaire on their phones.
I think all the technology we use has sped up time. That's why 'they' say that 50 is the new 40 and we all look pretty good 'for our age.' It's probably why summer is now only 5 weeks long (at least in Chicago) and the work week requires you to accomplish 80 hours of tasks while being paid for 35 hours of 'work.' Someone should really look into this, but I can't because I am 50 years old and have other things to do.
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